My Journey with OCD and Anxiety

This is my personal account of living with OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) and general anxiety. My goal in sharing this is twofold: to help those who may not believe in mental illnesses understand the struggle, and to encourage others battling similar issues to seek help.

The Beginning of My Struggle

Since May 2023, I’ve been grappling with OCD and health anxiety. It started with an irrational fear of rabies. A year prior, while visiting my wife’s family, I played with a puppy that later died. I became fixated on the idea that it had bitten me and given me rabies, lying dormant in me. The fear spiraled out of control.

I cried, took sick days off, and even called an infectious disease doctor, sobbing on the phone, desperate for reassurance. My family and I were emotionally drained for weeks. Eventually, I found relief when enough time passed for me to accept that my fear was unfounded (incubation period passed) . But OCD doesn’t just vanish — it finds new ways to torment you.

How OCD Took Over My Life

Later, while staying at my closest friend’s house, I was triggered again by his two dogs. The fears came flooding back, and this time, it felt even harder to fight them off. OCD is not something you can just “figure out” by seeing a doctor or using logic. It plants vivid, horrifying images in your mind: scenes of my family mourning at my deathbed, or them resenting me for becoming incapacitated. These images felt so real, and they wouldn’t stop.

OCD feeds on uncertainty, and life offers no guarantees. The more I tried to counter it with logic, the deeper I fell into its trap. Every “what if” felt like a huge probability. I became stuck in an endless cycle of fear and doubt, unable to escape. I spend tons of time doing a PhD on infectious diseases just to assure myself I am not dying.

Probably, guys reading Lookism manhwa, can understand, because UI of Daniel’s second body possesses same ability as anxiety - be one up higher than the opponent. The only tactic to win is to not fight at all, which is very hard because it is a bully that just sits there and shows you horrid images and less you interact more horrendous pictures you will see.

The Lowest Point

The worst time came between November and December of 2023. Every day felt like death was waiting for me. My trip to Japan at a time was nearly ruined. I cried and thought of buying a ticket home a day after coming, because I thought it would be too expensive to bring a corpse back home. Something as simple as seeing 36.9°C on a thermometer sent me into a panic. When my family visited me later in November, I broke down crying because I convinced myself their visit was to say goodbye. Yeah, OCD can play these “magic tricks” on you, despite a person with OCD might be fully logical.

At my lowest point, I seriously considered suicide. I thought, “What if the doctor finally says, ‘Yes, you’re dying’?”. That unbearable thought made me feel like I couldn’t go on. I couldn’t withstand this fight every single day of my life. I couldn’t just wake up to once again awaiting death. Every moment of my life felt like the final meal of a prisoner on death row. But even in that darkness, my family’s love and support kept me going, and I started therapy—a decision that saved my life.

Therapy and the Fight Ahead

Therapy gave me the tools to push back against OCD. It’s not a magic cure, and the fight isn’t over, but it gave me hope. With my family’s encouragement and my therapist’s guidance, I slowly began reclaiming my life. There are still tough days and a lot of them, but I have been taking AD for over 3 months, so it feels better now. I’ve also learned that asking for help is not a weakness — it’s a strength and without the support of my wife (only she and my mother and my sister knew I had trouble with HA, other close friends just knew that I battle OCD).

A Message for Two Audiences

To those who don’t believe in mental illnesses: I hope my story helps you understand how real and debilitating these struggles can be. I don’t blame anyone for what I’m going through, and I’m grateful for the support of my loved ones, without which I might not be here today.

To those silently battling OCD or anxiety: Please seek help. You don’t have to fight alone. Therapy can make a world of difference, even if you feel like you should “tough it out” on your own. There’s no shame in admitting that anxiety is bigger than you. It’s a fight worth waging, and help is out there. Please seek it.